I could use some help developing the setting of this scene, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Also I tried to make my protagonist not so amazingly beautiful. Do the changes work?
Pegg and William were the only ones who joined Jo at the Three Horseshoes for the evening meal. It was a busy tavern, filled with plantation workers, pirates, and women of the night. Jo was hit by the scent of too many bodies in too small of a space, mingled with the fragrant smell of roasting meat. They sat at a table in the corner, away from the rude leers of some of the other patrons.
Although, Jo did not recognize it, she was a beautiful young woman. She was tall and slim; her muscles lean from the hard labor necessary on a ship. Jo walked with her Father’s bold confidence. Even though her skin was burnt by the sun, her hair tangled by the wind, and her hands calloused by work it leant wildness to her beauty.
But God spare the fool who would try to make any romantic advances on Josette LaVie. Even more than her dislike for riddles or being called by her given name, Jo despised being treated like a woman. Furthermore, Jo thought that love or any romantic relationship with the opposite sex was not worth the headache. Men thought that they were a necessity in every woman’s life; that without men, women would not survive. Jo curled her lip up in disgust as she took a hearty swig of her beer.
“I have an idea how we could recruit new sailors,” William was saying to Pegg and instantly Jo was ripped back to reality.
“How?” she demanded, startling him.
William’s hazel eyes darted to her heart-shaped face, taking in her broad forehead, high cheekbones, and voluptuous peach-colored lips. Her big, almond-shaped, blue-green eyes framed by ridiculously long black eyelashes were by far Jo’s best feature. William swallowed. “Well, before I started working on your Father’s ship I had seen a Wanted poster for a pirate. The Governor was offering some ridiculous reward.”
Jo waved her hand impatiently, “I know what you’re talking about. What does that have to do with us?”
“Well, what if we made posters?” William found his leg bouncing nervously. What if she thought it a foolish idea? “We can make it say Wanted: Knowledgeable sailors to serve under Captain Josette-“
“Jo,” she barked roughly, “My name is Jo.”
William nodded, realizing he had made a big mistake. “And then we can offer a reward.” He waited, wondering if Jo would think it as clever as he did.
“How many pirates do you know that can read?” Jo demanded, leaning back in her chair. She casually stretched out her long legs, crossing them at the ankles. Several men at another table, elbowed each other, as they eyed her lustfully.
“Well,” William sputtered, he hadn’t really thought of that. “There has to be some! What happened to all those privateers when England signed the Treaty of Utrecht?”
Jo tilted her head in consent. Her own Father had been a privateer who turned to piracy when England tried for peace with Spain. “How big of a reward are we talking about?”
“I was thinking that if we melted down our gold bars, one a piece, we would have an awful lot of gold that we could make into gold coins. And gold is gold, whether it is minted in Spain or England.”
“Or on the back of a pirate ship!” Pegg chimed in, laughing heartily. He swatted William hard on the back. “I think it is a bloody good idea!”
Jo eyed them both. “You two would be willing to give up your gold to help me pay for a crew for my ship?”
Will nodded eagerly.
“Just don’t make me do bilge pump duty and I’ll give up my gold gratefully,” Pegg responded with a wink.
Jo raised her mug in a mock toast, “Here’s to Wanted posters.” William and Pegg raised their cups and clanged them together, sloshing beer.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Comma after road.
Comma after drinks.
“Overrated” is much too modern for this time setting. Rephrase.
Had? He doesn’t anymore? Change had to have. Comma after Pegg, also.
Icky. No need for capital S and comma after demanded.
Again, too modern a phrase. “Back on track” is not something pirates or someone of the sort would say.
Comma after ship.
Yeah? Rephrase. “Yeah” is, again, not something a pirate would say. Up till now you’ve been using “Aye”. If not that, than use “Yes”.
Comma after well.
Typo or something at the end, and I believe the k should be capitalized in knowledgeable.
And also, when you first mentioned Wanted posters, I thought you meant the ones offering rewards for criminals. Besides that, I don’t think they would put up posters for wanted employees. Have you ever seen Pirates of the Caribbean, the second one? They just set up a table and a list in a tavern and asked the men why they wanted to work. Well anyway, just take a look at the movie. I think it would be good for you, considering you’re writing a story in the same timeline.
Typo.
I liked this chapter. Again, not very exciting, but it’s crucial to the plot, I know. Why not give is a bit more sense of environment, though? Describe the background sounds, the lighting, the texture of the table.
It's good that you're going into physical description. However you need to be careful in terms of narration, the description seems to almost to be from Will's point of view (the exclamation point for instance), but so far the narration has been limited to Josette. I like the isloated narration that's progressed, and I think toning down a little on the "Josette is amazingly beautiful" aspect might help this, as well as keeping out elements of Mary Stueyism.
This is probably fine for pirate talk, but for some reason "yeah, yeah" rubbed me up the wrong way. It's slang, but is it the right kind of slang?
“Here’s to the Wanted posters.”
lose the *the*
I like how we're seeing the various reasons for characters staying with Jo so far, (Pegg, William, Joshua and possible Freddie)